Belgium and Iran Played the Worst World Cup Match. Zlatan Fell Asleep.

INGLEWOOD, CA — Every World Cup has that one game you regret waking up for. On Sunday at SoFi Stadium, Belgium and Iran delivered it.

The final score was 0-0, which somehow felt generous. Iran came in off a dramatic 2-2 draw with New Zealand where they fought back twice. Belgium had settled for a 1-1 draw against Egypt. Both teams looked like they were still thinking about those games.

Belgium coach Rudi Garcia shuffled his lineup, benching Jérémy Doku and bringing in Romelu Lukaku. Early on, Lukaku nearly scored but instead caught Iranian goalkeeper Alireza Beiranvand with a late challenge and earned a yellow card. Beiranvand stayed down for a few minutes, got treatment, and then proceeded to play like a man possessed. He made a series of saves that kept Iran in it, including one from point-blank range on Maxim De Cuyper.

Iran thought they scored first when Mehdi Taremi slammed home a free kick routine. But VAR ruled it offside. The sequence seemed to deflate both teams. Belgium went back to dominating possession without creating much. Iran sat deep and rarely countered with purpose.

Then Belgium defender Nathan Ngoy made a mess of a back pass, panicked, and dragged Taremi down near the box. Red card. Belgium down to 10 men for the final half-hour.

You’d think that would open things up. It didn’t really. Iran pushed a little harder, but Belgium still controlled the ball. They just couldn’t score. Belgium’s only goal of the entire tournament so far is an own goal conceded by Egypt. That’s it. A team with Kevin De Bruyne, Romelu Lukaku, and Leandro Trossard has zero goals from its own players across two matches.

Zlatan said what everyone was thinking

Fox Soccer analyst Zlatan Ibrahimović didn’t hold back: “In the first half, I almost fell asleep. In the second half, I actually fell asleep.” Hard to argue with him.

The match was the tournament’s third goalless draw, joining Spain’s shocker against Cape Verde and Curaçao’s tie with Ecuador. Nobody left happy.

In the mixed zone after the game, De Bruyne gave reporters a deadpan “There’s a lot of positives.” Lukaku insisted “I feel good, if I didn’t feel great, I wouldn’t be here today.” Only four Belgian players stopped to talk. Iran sent Saman Ghoddos and Alireza Jahanbakhsh to the media. It took the entire Iranian team over two hours to shuffle through the mixed zone, offering a few words at best.

Jahanbakhsh said he was “very proud.” Defender Hossein Kanani called it “positive.” Mohammad Mohebi thanked the fans. The whole thing felt like a message, but who was it for? FIFA? The U.S. government, which forced Iran to move their training camp from Tucson to Tijuana because of visa denials for team officials? Or the journalists who kept asking about politics despite being told not to?

The group is somehow still wide open

Here’s the weird part: this ugly draw actually made Group G interesting. Egypt leads with four points. Belgium has two, Iran has two, and New Zealand has one. All four teams can still advance. Egypt faces Iran in Seattle on Friday. Belgium plays New Zealand in Vancouver. Iran and New Zealand are both chasing their first-ever knockout round appearance. Egypt hasn’t reached the Round of 16 since 1934. And Belgium, a team that went to the semifinals in 2018, is staring at a second straight group stage exit.

I spent my afternoon watching this and then waited two hours for quotes that basically amounted to “we’re fine.” I also made the mistake of ordering a $14 Italian hoagie from the media cafe that was barely edible. That’s what I’ll remember most about this match. Not the soccer. Not the stakes. Just a bad sandwich and the feeling that I could have been watching Cape Verde-Uruguay instead.